nerd’s eye view

The Elephant in the Boardroom

May 13, 2005 – 7:11 am | by nerd's eye view

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I have an attitude problem. Also, I have trouble with authority. This is probably what has led me to work for myself or as a hired gun for the last ten years. My boss is never my permanent boss, my job never my permanent job. I run for the finish line on everything I do and then, when I’m done, I go camping. Or something. Oh, wait, there’s another thing. On top of my authority/attitude issues, I talk too much. (If only I were confrontational too! Then I could totally be a Congressman!)

The last time I had a full time job I worked for one of those managers who was really in to using a “management style” and liked teaching “lessons.” In general, I don’t do well with this sort of thing, but I do remember one meeting we had where he told the story about the dead elephant in the conference room. (FYI, on that list of sins, I think I fall under “cowboy.”) It’s a manager training parable that everyone knows, but I’d never heard it before. There are lots of different versions, but it goes something like this:

Some manager calls a meeting and everyone goes to the conference room where there is a dead elephant - yeesh, I’m changing it to live one - where there is an elephant standing there. They all have their meeting without even saying anything about the elephant. Oh, I think there’s some big shot Donald Trump type in the room. So finally some upstart - in the version I heard it might have been the cleaning crew worker - looks in and says, “Hey, do you want me to do something about that elephant?” Then Donald Trump fires everyone and promotes the cleaning lady, who had PhD in CS from some univerity in Moscow anyway, to CTO. Okay, I’ve embellished some. But you get the point. If you see the elephant, you ought to mention the elephant.

The thing is, though, I see elephants everywhere, and no, wise guy, they are not pink, though sometimes I like to think they are plaid, or perhaps a nice Bermuda pattern. They are of varied sizes, sometimes they are ultra jumbo elephants and sometimes they are little pocket sized guys, but they’re there all right. Walk in to a conference room with me and you can bet your last dollar that I’m going to see an elephant.

In spite of what most managers will tell you, they do not want you to mention the elephant. They would prefer you didn’t. They see the elephant. Sometimes, they brought the elephant in with them, leading him with a trail of peanuts. I think that managers are often hoping that no one else sees the elephant or perhaps that he will go away, or get smaller and smaller as time goes by, becoming invisible. After all, I do believe that most folks that I’ve had the pleasure and priveledge of working with are pretty smart and have their eyes open. But there they are, having stuff like manners and diplomacy on their side. I have no such hinderances. Nope. Give me a project, invite me to a meeting, and the third or forth thing that comes out of my mouth is this: “Nice elephant! Wow! I’ve never seen one quite like THAT before! Is she friendly? Can I feed her?!” It’s like I have special elephant viewing superpowers.

This never leads to everyone in the room getting fired and my promotion. It might lead to the need for a sheepish apology on my part. Or, a little talking to later about how yeah, they know about the elephant, but do I have to draw everyone else’s attention to it? If it’s not about that, it’s about how this elephant isn’t really any different from any other elephant, so could I maybe just shut up about the elephant and get to work? You can’t unsee an elephant though, so it’ s pretty hard for me to stop looking at it. I mean, come on, it’s an ELEPHANT.

I mention all this because I finally started working again and oh my god, it’s a African safari park! I’m pretty sure I’m not hallucinating, but I could be wrong. Elephants always look really big to me because I’m not very tall and any elephant makes you stop what you’re doing and stare. And if, god forbid, someone comes along and asks me what I’m looking at, I of course say, “Oh, you know, that elephant over there. The one in the paisley.” And then, there’s nothing but trouble. What the hell is that matter with me? I couldn’t say, “Oh, nothing, just daydreaming.” No, no, apparently, I can not.

I know that what I need to do is work on being a little more diplomatic. “Um, excuse me, could we talk briefly about the elephant? If we’re going to be working with an elephant the whole time, that’s okay, I just need to know.” I gotta work on that. That might work better than, “Wow! Look at that freakin’ elephant! Are we gonna have to walk around that thing the WHOLE TIME?! WOW!”

Here’s an elephant joke. The answer is in blue, so highlight it with your cursor to read it.

How do you know when an elephant is under your bed?
Your nose is pressed against the ceiling.

Now pass the peanuts, I have work to do.