Loyal readers of Nerd’s Eye View have probably noticed that things have been a little slow around here lately. There’s a reason for that — I’ve had a “job” for just under two months. With the brief exception of my trip to Texas for SxSW, I’ve been reporting for duty almost every morning at 9am and spending the better part of my day in an office where I could not see the sky.
This wasn’t working out so well. I’m going to admit something publicly that’s a little embarrassing, but no less true for the shame: On my fourth morning on the job, I sat at the breakfast table and burst into tears. The idea of the office space was so oppressive to me, so overwhelming, that I fell to pieces. Through the help of some well intentioned managerial types, I struck a compromise with my position that bought me a few more weeks, a little more sanity.
It didn’t last. When I swung open the door to the interior hallway after six days in Texas, my heart started to pound and my stomach churned. I stood in the yellow green light talking quietly to myself until I calmed down enough to tackle my work day. This was how I faced every morning — with a stern lecture to myself about the economy. I’d follow that with talking points about my coworkers, who have been aces, really, and the project, which was rather a good one. But after a week of that, I fell apart again and I decided that this was no way to live. I typed up my resignation. As pathetic as it sounds, it broke me to have to swing that door open every morning, to walk in out of the daylight into the dark, stuffy office that smelled some days like food, some days like sweat, some days like feet.
My meetings with managers went rather well, they claimed to understand my ridiculous high maintenance issues and seemed genuinely interested in finding a way to make me happy. “I can not work in this space,” I whined, “I leave here every day gasping for air. I hate to be all dramatic, but I Am Suffocating.” The management types concurred that we were working in a “sick building.” They asked for time to come up with an alternative. I stood my ground and said that a plan that would allow me to keep working for them from my home office — where I have air and light– would be great because really, it wasn’t a bad gig but I just couldn’t bear the space.
My grievances out in the open, I went home knowing that no matter what happened, things were going to get better. And this afternoon, at 230pm, along with an unknown number of other staffers, I was laid off. It was a financial decision, they told me, everyone has been pleased with my performance, they’re really sorry.
I’m sorry we couldn’t find a way for it to work, but I’m not sorry I was laid off. I wasn’t going to last, not the way things had been going. I’m a free range human. After so many years of working for myself, sitting at my desk watching the birds visit the feeder, taking my coffee breaks in the back yard, setting my own schedule for the day, it was impossible for me to adjust to the battered microwave, the overheard phone conversations, the status reports, the meetings, the meetings, the meetings. I liked the work, I liked and respected my coworkers, it was the job part of it that I couldn’t stand.
I’ve made this mistake a few times in my checkered career — fallen for the appeal of stability over independence, for the promise of a regular paycheck over not knowing when the next one will come in. I had been listening to a lot of economic news when I said yes to the job offer; I responded out of fear. I thought, “This could be a good place to wait out the recession.” I thought, “It could be nice to have some structure for a while.” I thought, “It’s been forever since I’ve gone to an office, maybe it’s not that bad.” But all those things weren’t true, my job wasn’t recession proof, the structure was suffocating, and when you see hummingbirds from your desk, a windowless cube really is that bad, worse, even.
My writing, not just on Nerd’s Eye View, has taken a hit over the past two months. I have a story that sits, unfinished, on my hard drive — it’s due sometime in May. My published work elsewhere has been half thought out, thrown over the wall to meet deadlines, not written for pleasure or interest, only out of obligation. I haven’t picked up the camera for what feels like ages. I’ve neglected my better skills, not because I wanted to, but because I’ve been left uninspired while giving away my favorite part of the day — the mornings — to schedules and recessed ceiling lights and office coffee.
In fatter times, it wouldn’t have occurred to me to accept the position I took — I’d have thanked them for their time and continued looking. Now that it’s such lean times, it’s scary to be out of work, but I think it is possible to be both afraid and happy. Friends are asking me what’s next, what I’m going to do now. I’m going to turn back to my writing, first of all. I’m going to book a vacation — I know it seems frivolous, but if not now, when? — to Hawaii so I can hunt for stories, eat lots of tropical fruit, and get some sun. I’m going to look for work that fits my life rather than try to fit my life in around a job. I’m going to be afraid, but also, I’m going to be happy.
CONGRATS!
Call me! Tomorrow AM! Let’s go shoot pictures!
Sounds like a sensible plan to me (Hawaii). You’re not going their to indulge, you are off on an adventure. Something you are good at and, who knows, maybe it will offer you a new perspective on what to do next. The best of luck.
I think you are very wise to know your limitations and strengths. That wisdom will carry you through the worst of things, I am sure. Good for you!
Free range human? Well done. Like their chicken counterpart, free range humans last longer and taste better.
Pam, this is a great heartfelt and oh-so-true post. Thanks for sharing with us. We’ve missed you!
In my first job right out of college, I had the very same reaction (and we didn’t have cubicles way back then–I can’t even imagine). The third morning when the clock-radio alarm went off, I prayed the news would report that the building where I worked had had burned down. It didn’t.
Like you, it wasn’t the job or the people, it was the idea of being confined at that desk and to that routine for the rest of my life. I couldn’t stand it. God made me a big open-space independent person (like you), and it was suffocating, to use your perfectly descriptive word.
But I had no choice at that point in my life. I stayed, but it propelled me into freelance work. I did a lot of temporary office work in those days as I struggled to make my biz work, which just reinforced my need to “get out” (all the offices were like that!). Finally I was able to make a living at freelance work, and I’ve never turned back. That work moved me into what I’m also doing now to help stop child trafficking.
You’re gonna do great. I love that you’re not letting fear make the decision for you. Good for you. We look forward to more great photos of your charming backyard feathered friends and your majestic mountain neighbors.
Diana Scimone
Born to Fly International, Inc.
Stopping child trafficking…setting kids free to soar
http://www.born2fly.org
http://www.dianascimone.com
@DianaScimone
Pam-
As someone who’s logged plenty of hours in the cube (and who gave it the big goodbye a few years ago), I totally understand all the different thoughts that influenced your decision both to return to the cube farm and to leave it again. Congratulations!
I don’t think I could ever go back to a cube again.
Your post resonated with me, as I often struggle with “what I should do” and “responsibilities” and what I *want* to do. Part of being a grown-up, I guess…
May you enjoy this newfound time doing what makes you happiest!
Good for you. It’s not worth making yourself sick for “stability” (which is illusory even at the best of times). I look forward to hearing more about your upcoming adventures.
You wear freedom very well. It’s definitely your color. Rock on.
Congrats! Now you’re free to run towards all that inspires and motivates you. 🙂
I love your attitude. We only go around once, as they say, it’s a shame to spend our time here feeling unfullfilled.
And hey! You’re going back to Hawaii. Life is good.
🙂
You know I’ll miss you in cube land. But I applaud your strength of character and I wish I could make the same jump. In time.
I sooo totally relate! Currently holding a 9-6 (though I get to telecommute from across the Atlantic sometimes). I know the feeling of not being fully free to pursue your more creative side.
Yay you!
You are right. I was laid-off from a job a couple years ago, where I could look back and say, “well, I had eight good years with that company.” Problem was, I had worked there for eleven; most of the last three were spent chanting the mantra of “shut-up-and-cash-the-paycheck.”
I have been extremely fortunate to have “the right job” come along at the necessary time so often in my life – and it’s because I’ve learned what I can NOT shove myself into doing when it’s wrong, no matter the pay.
You know what that’s like. Your recent job was just a little reinforcement of your knowledge. You did right, and will do fine, because you can listen to your soul.
I’ve been freelance for the last 35 years. Once, for a couple of years, I was asked to be an “associate editor” in a large media company, and all I really had to do for it was sit in regularly on editorial board meetings. My inevitable silent reaction was always the screaming thought: “Someone open the windows!”
I hear you.
Not seen a posting like this for a while. Very said.
I had to surrender financially to a cubicle once. I lasted 3 months. One month of that was to give notice, one month was the first month in “training” and then one month in the cubicle.
I was docked money for not requesting a toilet break. That was the final straw.
I’d already escaped corporate life once, that was the “problem”
Now the idea of cubicles is worse than the thought of eating a 5 day old kebab.
Best of luck with freedom, it’s worth it
A trip to Hawaii sounds like a great plan. I like to believe that everything happens for the best and freedom is often so much better than stability.
“I’m going to look for work that fits my life rather than try to fit my life in around a job. I’m going to be afraid, but also, I’m going to be happy.”
I love those last two sentences. Made me think and I realized I need to do more changes in my life as well, so thanks for the inspiration!
great post!
Hi Pam, I know this is an old post I am commenting, but nevertheless, I am going to comment anyway since I found it while browsing your site. 🙂
I really enjoy this post because, well, I have been pondering on this one job opportunity, that may allow me to write, travel – for client visits and maybe more – and, earn money (weee!). But then,the thought of being restricted by those hours, has been the excuse for not getting my act together and send an email and my resume to the company, despite one of the partners approaching me for the job. My stomach churned at the thought of “9 to 5” hours, especially after being on a sabbatical for a year and doing several freelance projects, having the freedom to do what I want, and when I want it. I was (and still am) a little scared.
Having said all that, I am still going to give it ago; somehow I’ve come to some senses and will not let the fear stop me trying and explore this opportunity. Who knows where it might lead. If I don’t like it, well, I’ll just resign.
But I’ll never know unless I try.
Thank you for sharing your tale 🙂