My neighborhood has gone Halloween crazy. One house has a pair of manic ghost clowns swaying between two cedar trees out front, and if that’s not enough, there’s a set of caged doll twins on the porch. It’s terrifying in broad daylight, in the evening it must be truly the stuff of nightmares. Just up the block, there’s a front lawn cemetery, the headstones hand made and funny — C.N. Ghosts, Yul B. Next, Manny Bones. Hedges are covered in spiderwebs, some have giant spiders with sparkling red eyes perched dead center. There are hundreds of carved pumpkins, orange twinkle lights, half buried plastic skeletons (human and animal), there’s a black lawn flamingo with the bones stenciled on the sides. Just over there sits a 12 foot inflatable dragon blowing red and orange flames. All signs point to an onslaught of kids this year, and a person needs guidelines to cope.
With that in mind, I’ve created a much needed set of rules for rationing the candy that’s left from a week ago when I bought it, no, I think this bag must have been flawed, there was not one Reeses in it shut up you ate all the Reeses. Plus, let’s be clear, a full size or larger candy bar is fun, these things are just bite sized. Accuracy is important in this post-fact era.
What I’m saying is there are going to be a lot of kids this year and a person needs a plan. I have made that plan.
The basic distribution rule is as follows: Every kid gets two pieces of candy. This applies to all kids in off-the-rack store bought Disney character costumes, standard zombies, mummies, and other classic horror types, generic princesses, ninjas (turtles included), pirates, aliens, kittens, puppies, teddy bears, other common yet adorable cute critters. But there are exceptions. Take note.
- Clearly homemade costumes: “Wow, I love this. Did you make it yourself?”
- Bumblebees or chickens: One extra piece. Obviously.
- Robots: One extra piece for store bought, two if the costume is made from foil, dryer ducts, and a cardboard box.
- Native Americans and other cultural appropriations: Candy corn, only.
- Accompanying parents in costume (onesies count): Shot of whiskey in a solo cup.
- Any of this year’s dead rock stars or Hillary Clinton: One piece and an apology posted to NextDoor the following day: “Sorry, kid in the Prince costume, I was overcome with emotion and it made me stingy. Message me your name, there will be a gift card for you at the bakery next time your Mom or Dad takes you there.”
- Kellyanne Conways: Doused with a bucket of cold water. One piece if they melt on the porch.
- Turtles who say “Actually, I’m Mitch McConnell”: Bucket of cold water with which to douse Kellyanne Conways and two extra pieces.
- Boy Astronauts: Three extra pieces and a slide rule.
- Girl Astronauts: Four extra pieces, no slide rule.
- Accompanying pets in costume: Freeze dried beef treats from the hall pantry.
- Kids who are clearly too old for this: Freeze dried beef treats from the hall pantry.
- MAGA and 45-themed outfits: Vanilla ice cream, two scoops, dropped directly into the bag.
- Wonder Woman: High five and five extra pieces.
- Small dogs dressed as Wonder Woman: “I’m sorry, did you have a dog? I didn’t see any dog.”
- Characters from Hamilton: Five extra pieces, full college scholarship, and a request for one verse of “The Room Where it Happens.”
- Holzmann from Ghostbusters: Full college scholarships and all the candy that’s left.