{"id":1582,"date":"2009-03-30T22:10:29","date_gmt":"2009-03-31T05:10:29","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.nerdseyeview.com\/blog\/?p=1582"},"modified":"2009-03-31T08:03:52","modified_gmt":"2009-03-31T15:03:52","slug":"a-free-range-human","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.nerdseyeview.com\/blog\/2009\/03\/30\/a-free-range-human\/","title":{"rendered":"A Free Range Human"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Chickens\"<\/a>Loyal readers of Nerd’s Eye View have probably noticed that things have been a little slow around here lately. There’s a reason for that — I’ve had a “job” for just under two months. With the brief exception of my trip to Texas for SxSW, I’ve been reporting for duty almost every morning at 9am and spending the better part of my day in an office where I could not see the sky.<\/p>\n

This wasn’t working out so well. I’m going to admit something publicly that’s a little embarrassing, but no less true for the shame: On my fourth morning on the job, I sat at the breakfast table and burst into tears. The idea of the office space was so oppressive to me, so overwhelming, that I fell to pieces. Through the help of some well intentioned managerial types, I struck a compromise with my position that bought me a few more weeks, a little more sanity.<\/p>\n

It didn’t last. When I swung open the door to the interior hallway after six days in Texas, my heart started to pound and my stomach churned. I stood in the yellow green light talking quietly to myself until I calmed down enough to tackle my work day. This was how I faced every morning — with a stern lecture to myself about the economy. I’d follow that with talking points about my coworkers, who have been aces, really, and the project, which was rather a good one. But after a week of that, I fell apart again and I decided that this was no way to live. I typed up my resignation. As pathetic as it sounds, it broke me to have to swing that door open every morning, to walk in out of the daylight into the dark, stuffy office that smelled some days like food, some days like sweat, some days like feet.<\/p>\n

My meetings with managers went rather well, they claimed to understand my ridiculous high maintenance issues and seemed genuinely interested in finding a way to make me happy. “I can not work in this space,” I whined, “I leave here every day gasping for air. I hate to be all dramatic, but I Am Suffocating.” The management types concurred that we were working in a “sick building.” They asked for time to come up with an alternative. I stood my ground and said that a plan that would allow me to keep working for them from my home office — where I have air and light– would be great because really, it wasn’t a bad gig but I just couldn’t bear the space.<\/p>\n

My grievances out in the open, I went home knowing that no matter what happened, things were going to get better. And this afternoon, at 230pm, along with an unknown number of other staffers, I was laid off. It was a financial decision, they told me, everyone has been pleased with my performance, they’re really sorry.<\/p>\n

I’m sorry we couldn’t find a way for it to work, but I’m not sorry I was laid off. I wasn’t going to last, not the way things had been going. I’m a free range human. After so many years of working for myself, sitting at my desk watching the birds visit the feeder, taking my coffee breaks in the back yard, setting my own schedule for the day, it was impossible for me to adjust to the battered microwave, the overheard phone conversations, the status reports, the meetings, the meetings, the meetings. I liked the work, I liked and respected my coworkers, it was the job part of it that I couldn’t stand.<\/p>\n

I’ve made this mistake a few times in my checkered career — fallen for the appeal of stability over independence, for the promise of a regular paycheck over not knowing when the next one will come in. I had been listening to a lot of economic news when I said yes to the job offer; I responded out of fear. I thought, “This could be a good place to wait out the recession.” I thought, “It could be nice to have some structure for a while.” I thought, “It’s been forever since I’ve gone to an office, maybe it’s not that bad.” But all those things weren’t true, my job wasn’t recession proof, the structure was suffocating, and when you see hummingbirds from your desk, a windowless cube really is that bad, worse, even.<\/p>\n

My writing, not just on Nerd’s Eye View, has taken a hit over the past two months. I have a story that sits, unfinished, on my hard drive — it’s due sometime in May. My published work elsewhere has been half thought out, thrown over the wall to meet deadlines, not written for pleasure or interest, only out of obligation. I haven’t picked up the camera for what feels like ages. I’ve neglected my better skills, not because I wanted to, but because I’ve been left uninspired while giving away my favorite part of the day — the mornings — to schedules and recessed ceiling lights and office coffee.<\/p>\n

In fatter times, it wouldn’t have occurred to me to accept the position I took — I’d have thanked them for their time and continued looking. Now that it’s such lean times, it’s scary to be out of work, but I think it is possible to be both afraid and happy. Friends are asking me what’s next, what I’m going to do now. I’m going to turn back to my writing, first of all. I’m going to book a vacation — I know it seems frivolous, but if not now, when? — to Hawaii so I can hunt for stories, eat lots of tropical fruit, and get some sun. I’m going to look for work that fits my life rather than try to fit my life in around a job. I’m going to be afraid, but also, I’m going to be happy.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Loyal readers of Nerd’s Eye View have probably noticed that things have been a little slow around here lately. There’s a reason for that — I’ve had a “job” for just under two months. With the brief exception of my trip to Texas for SxSW, I’ve been reporting for duty almost every morning at 9am … <\/p>\n


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